SECRETS OF A GODDESS

She is Venus to me…  Aphrodite to some, Ishtar, Hathor, Isis, Parvati to others, but she’s always the Goddess of Fertility and Sexual Attraction, of Birth and Death… key to the very existence of humanity.  She makes the world go round, for she is LOVE.

There is a Goddess in every woman… a power and strength and also a need for love.  Love?  What is love?

Here begins my exploration, my need to understand the source of that power.

I’ve always thought of myself as an independent woman who is confident about her sexuality and never really thought much about it.  I guess youth has a certain arrogance and ignorance a certain bliss.   However, having loved and lost… it’s made me inquisitive. I’m not saying that I’ve lost that independence or confidence, just the opposite in fact, I feel almost a craving to delve deeper into the mystery that we define “a relationship”, “love”.

I “love” many things and many people, I have “relationships” based on love with many people… but I am fascinated by how other people define love and relationships.  Do they feel as I do? Do they hurt as I do? Do they long as I do?

To get to know how others feel, this Goddess needs to open her heart and mind (and if you are VERY lucky… hehe) and explore.

So I hope you the reader accept my offering and join me in this journey… a purely indulgent journey into the mind of a Goddess.

Love Lost… Love Gained.

The online world is relatively new to me.  I’ve always been a reality based Goddess, but a few years ago my life changed quite dramatically and I moved internationally for a job.  I was and am a naturally  out going person and have never had problems making friends.  I usually meet people through friends and well, at “home” I’d been a very confident person.

However, I was suddenly thrust into a very fast pace society of HK and the only people I knew were work colleagues and an ex.  This was going to take a lot of getting used especially since my nearest and dearest were thousands of miles away from me.  I had to use the internet to keep in contact with them.

This in turn lead to long hours on the internet and late nights surfing illicit pages… which is where I stumbled onto an online sexual community.  These people felt like kindred spirits, ones with whom I could be myself and act as nutty, as I did with some of my dearest friends back home.  The sexual element also helped me keep up my flirting skills.

Of course, I didn’t reveal my name or any of my personal details.  No, I decided to reveal only the sexual side of the Goddess.  This was lots of fun and for a while I became lost in the drama and craziness.  However, I did emerge with some wonderful friends and a learning experience that has forever effect my life.

I met a man… a wonderful man who changed my world.  I risked my career, my real life relationships, my very sanity for him.  I crossed oceans to be with him.  Was he worth it in the end?  I don’t know, it’s too soon to tell.  However, through this experience I got to know myself better and will never regret what I did.  I gave myself completely, I can not speak for him because I would not want to overestimate or underestimate his feelings.  His experience is not mine to express.

When I came down from my high, I started falling and realised he wasn’t there to catch me.  So. I fell and shattered into pieces.  Luckily, the most amazing friends I’d met online were there to make sure I didn’t bleed too much.  These amazing people listened and never judged.  In fact, one had created a most wonderful place, a place I can call my online home (www.just-kinky.com).

Yet, like I said before, I am a reality based Goddess and I was still alone in a strange land with relative strangers for friends.  This is when an extraordinary thing happened.  The one man I least expected to understand was there for me.  I didn’t have to share him with anyone, I didn’t have to wait until he had an opening in his schedule, I didn’t have to watch the time with him.  He was my quiet and gentle glue.

He didn’t have the smooth words that I once was showered with, nor was he inconsistent.  I really didn’t expect that HE’D be the one to make me whole again.  He had been in my life a long time and I knew he loved me as I loved him.  We’d once been madly in love with each other,  for him I’d risked a lot and followed him to two countries, but time and work and lack of communication wore us down.  He was my friend but yet, almost a stranger.  We’d been lovers but never best friends.

As my head started to clear and my hurt fade, I became to appreciate his gentle ways and became aware of how much I’d come to depend upon him.  He knew everything about me, the good, the bad, the ugly even the no-so-Goddess like moments and he still loved me.  He might not have been vocal, but his actions have spoke louder.

I’m not the same girl he once knew, but I am a woman who understands, hopefully a bit better, the word commitment.

SECRETS OF A GODDESS 2

I Love you…

Ever ponder the upon those words?  “I love you”  Ever wish you could smack someone when they say that to you? Or feel like asking them… ” What the fuck do you mean by that?”  I do not throw around those words just for the sake of a reaction, a way of getting someone’s attention or even keeping someone’s attention.  Yet, I’ve come across people who have no problem using those words.

I wonder, is it just me? Am I missing something?  Am I being too sensitive? (and it wouldn’t the first time I’ve been accused of being “over-sensitive”).  I understand that sometimes love changes, it even dies out, so why do people persist on holding on by saying those words?  Is it because they don’t want to admit their feelings have changed?  Is it because they feel like they’ve failed if things change?

Why don’t people use qualifiers?  You know, “I love talking with you.”  Or “I love being with you now.”  Or even “I love what we have together.”  When qualifiers are used people know where they stand, there is no confusion, no underlying tones and most of all no one gets hurt.

Once again, I ask, am I too ridged?  Do I expect too much from people?  I know I can’t change how others think, feel or act, but I AM an over sensitive person.  To me ” I love you” comes with actions and consequences and expectations… and rightly so!  Those powerful words stir up emotions and make people do crazy things like fly all over the world to be with the one they love, or alter their routines to make time for the one they love.  At least that is what I’d do for someone I love… but then again, I mean what I say and say what I mean.

SECRETS OF A GODDESS 1

First Of Many…

I shall begin my first proper post with how it all started.

I’m what you’d call a late bloomer.  I went to an all girls’ catholic high school (and don’t believe all the hype – not all catholic school girls are gagging for cock).  I wasn’t tall, blonde, slim or particularly aware of the Goddess inside me… but I always had my personality.

A personality goes a long way and only “BOYS” think that if a woman has a good personality she must be ugly!  I had and still have many male friends, and also just as many female friends.

However, I never had a “boyfriend” whilst in school and frankly, I wasn’t very interested in sex.  In fact, most of the accounts I hear from my friends turned me off!  The groping and the tongue in mouth… gross!  These girls weren’t enjoying it either, but it was cool to be “wanted”.  Not for me… no thank you!

So I waited, I watched and I learnt.  Some how I knew when the time was right, it’d happen and it would be dammm good

… and it was…

My first kiss was awesome!  I was hooked and I wanted more just not with him!

So I waited, I watched and I learnt.  Some how I knew when the time was right, it’d happen and it would be dammm good

… and it was…

My first boyfriend was in University.  He was younger then me (yeah, it’s been a trend, until recently), but he was experienced, and he was a sweetheart.  Sure my mother hated him and my friends didn’t think he was good looking, but I knew I could learn at my own pace with him.

We didn’t have sex straight away, but we were sexual and I also began to mature sexually.  He never pushed me and I learnt that sex was not all about “cock in pussy”.  God, I loved being sexual with him and for the first time in my life I understood what “sexy” meant.

The Goddess in me was emerging and once we actually had intercourse, there was no stopping me.  I was insatiable… OMG!  No wonder the nuns warned us it was bad, they were jealous!  The more sex we had, the more I wanted and bless his heart, he knew I was out growing him… fast.  However, when he did break up with me, I was devastated.

Needless to say, I bounced back quickly and he became a good friend… with benefits.  Every cloud does have a silver lining and I knew I didn’t love him, but damm… I’d fallen in love with sex.